Unrefined Courage

The exhilaration I felt after I found my way through Suvarnabhumi airport and into the backseat of a taxi dissolves into terror as my Thai driver, who doesn't speak English, drives through the dark streets of Bangkok. Culture shock hits me like a freight train. I have a panic attack for the first time in my life that night in the hotel, leap out of bed with a pounding heart and the overwhelming feeling that I have to leave, have to leave but I can't, I'm trapped. I take my laptop and find my way down to the lobby at 4 AM so I can use the WiFi to feel closer to everyone I left on the other side of the world. I find a spot by the large window overlooking the Chao Phraya River, the River of Kings, and try to calm myself down. The sun starts to rise over the murky water and I call my brother. I try not to cry when I hear his voice, and I say quietly, "I think I want to come home." "Nah, you hang in there. The months will go faster than you know. You got this." The tears find their way down my cheeks.

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